Sometimes you run away, not from the things you fear, but from the very things you love. I always wondered why? Is it because you rather live with a delusional hope it might “eventually” come true, than face the painful possibility it might not, or even worse, the fear it will come true and it doesn't live up to what you conjured up in your head. It becomes easier to live in a dream then face reality. It becomes easier to escape into a make-believe world. You reach for the remote and live vicariously through a character on a TV show. You reach for a book where everyone lives happily ever after. You get lost in a song like Avicii’s “Wake me up” where you are stuck, metaphorically, in a childlike dream. You reach for a beer to sooth the angst of your strained heart and mind.
Then there are days you muster up the courage to step out of those dreams into reality. You find the courage to keep going despite the possibility of failure. You find the courage to embrace failure and emerge a better man from the experience. But, I have to confess, facing failure never becomes easy. When you fail well-meaning people say, “don’t take it personally”. When you fail a test, they say it’s just a “test” and not an entire reflection of you. When there are rejections, they say what others do is a reflection of what’s going on in their lives and little to do with you. I can certainly see some truth in this, but it is hard to believe it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes I wonder if these statements are just platitudes and rationalizations.
It’s easier to accept failure when there is clarity, but such moments of clarity when the universe makes sense are rare. Moments, when we know with certainty the reasons for failure. When we know it is, something about “them”, something about the “circumstances”, or something about “us”. Then, we can try to find the courage to change the things we can, and the grace to accept the things we can’t. But, failure in the face of ambiguity, which is more often than not, is hard to accept. Ambiguity about not just the reasons for failure, but ambiguity about whether we have “failed” or not. When a skeptical hope of success keeps smoldering, in your heart, like embers that never fade. Where do you draw the line between perseverance and a delusional persistence? Do you try harder or do you give up? Am I really that bad a dancer or can I get better if I keep trying? (I will shamelessly admit that I dance with the rhythm and grace of a ferret having a seizure); Is my manuscript really that bad or is the editor having a bad day?; Do I still keep looking for a diagnosis in this dying patient or stop. Does she likes me or does she like me not? Is this failing relationship salvageable or not? … Life is rife with such ambiguous moments.
Do we speculate the reasons and keep on trying, do we rationalize our failures and forget, or do we just cease thinking, accept we can never know and move on. For a thinkaholic like me the last option is worse than not breathing. May be the thing that holds us back in life is the pursuit of an elusive clarity that is impossible. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason why things happen, sometimes. Maybe we need to embrace and accept ambiguity, and paradoxically that might give us the peace we desperately seek in life.